Leaving Is Not a Single Decision
What actually keeps someone in an abusive home, and what makes leaving possible?
People stay in abusive relationships because leaving is rarely as simple as walking out the door. Most survivors face a combination of financial control, nowhere safe to go, fear of what an abusive partner will do next, concern for their children, and the ordinary human hope that things will improve. Leaving is not one decision. It is a series of them, made under pressure, often without money or housing.
At Crisis House, we have spent more than 50 years working alongside people at exactly this point. The question we hear most often from the community is some version of “why didn’t they just leave?” It is worth answering honestly, because the answer explains what survivors actually need.
Why “Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?” Is the Wrong Question
The question puts responsibility on the person being harmed rather than the person causing harm. It also assumes leaving ends the danger, and it frequently does not.
A more useful question is: what would this person need in order to leave safely? That question has real answers. Money. A place to sleep tonight. A plan for the kids. Someone who believes them. Those are things a community can actually provide.
Survivors often leave and return several times before leaving for good. Those earlier attempts are not failures. Each one is a person testing whether the exit will hold, and learning what was missing the last time.
Is It Because They Do Not Have the Money to Leave?
For most survivors, yes. Financial abuse runs through the large majority of abusive relationships, and it is deliberate rather than incidental.
Financial abuse looks like a partner who controls every account, who gives an allowance and demands receipts, who sabotages a job by showing up at the workplace or hiding car keys, who opens credit cards in a survivor’s name and does not pay them. Over time it produces someone with no savings, damaged credit, no recent work history, and no independent bank account.
That person is not staying because they want to. They are staying because they have been made unable to afford to go. Financial abuse is one of the most effective tools an abusive partner has, precisely because it works quietly and leaves no visible mark.
Where Would They Go?
This is the question that turns abuse into a housing crisis. A survivor leaving with children needs somewhere to sleep that night, and the usual options are thin. Friends and family may be known to the abuser. First and last month’s rent plus a deposit is out of reach for someone with no independent savings. Rental applications ask for credit history and recent employment, and financial abuse has damaged both.
This is why domestic violence is a leading driver of homelessness for women and children, and it is the reason our Journey Programs exist as a continuum rather than a single shelter. Our domestic violence housing programs include emergency, transitional, and permanent housing options, because a survivor’s needs at week one are not the same as their needs at month six.
Our housing locator works directly with families on the lease-up process, helps them build a household budget, and provides education on credit, all of which address the specific damage financial abuse leaves behind.
Why Is Leaving the Most Dangerous Time?
Abuse is fundamentally about control. When a survivor leaves, that control is broken, and an abusive partner may escalate in an attempt to restore it. Advocates treat the period during and immediately after separation as the highest-risk window in the entire relationship.
Survivors usually know this. What looks from outside like reluctance is often an accurate read of the danger. It is also why advocates plan an exit with someone rather than urging them to leave immediately. A safety plan built with a trained advocate accounts for timing, documents, communications, and where to go, and that planning is what makes leaving survivable.
What About the Children?
Parents weigh a genuinely difficult calculation. Leaving can mean pulling children out of their school, away from their friends, and into a shelter. It can mean a custody fight with a partner who has more money and better lawyers. Some parents are told directly by an abusive partner that leaving will cost them their kids.
Staying carries its own cost, and it falls on children too. Growing up in a home affected by domestic violence has lasting effects on a child’s development, mental health, and sense of safety. Our Camp HOPE program exists for exactly this reason, offering year-round trauma-informed mentorship and camping to children who have witnessed domestic violence.
Do People Stay Because They Still Love Their Partner?
Often, yes, and this is one of the hardest parts for outsiders to accept. Abuse is not constant. It typically moves in cycles, with periods of genuine warmth and apology between incidents. Those good periods are real to the person experiencing them, and they carry the hope that the version of their partner they fell in love with is the real one.
Loving someone and being harmed by them are not mutually exclusive. A survivor can want the relationship to continue and want the violence to stop at the same time. Understanding that keeps a conversation open instead of shutting it down.
What Actually Helps Someone Leave
If you are supporting someone in this situation, a few things matter more than advice:
- Believe them the first time. Many survivors test the water with a small disclosure to see how it lands.
- Do not issue ultimatums. “Leave or I am done helping you” removes one of the few supports they have left.
- Offer something concrete. A place to store documents, a phone that is not on a shared plan, a ride, childcare for an appointment.
- Stay in contact. Isolation is a tool abusers use deliberately. Consistent, low-pressure contact undermines it.
- Point them toward an advocate rather than trying to be one. Trained advocates can build a safety plan that accounts for risks a friend would not think of.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it common to go back to an abusive partner?
Yes, and it does not mean someone has given up. Returning is frequently a practical response to running out of money or housing rather than a change of heart about the relationship. Most survivors who leave permanently have left before.
Does domestic violence only mean physical violence?
No. Domestic violence includes emotional abuse, financial control, isolation, threats, stalking, and digital monitoring. Many survivors experience serious harm without a single physical injury.
What if I am not sure whether what I am experiencing counts?
If you are asking the question, it is worth talking to someone. An advocate can talk through your situation without requiring you to label it or make any decision about your relationship.
Can someone get help before they are ready to leave?
Yes. Safety planning, case management, and housing assessment do not require a commitment to leave. Many survivors work with an advocate for a long time before anything changes, and that preparation is what makes a later exit possible.
We’re Here to Help
At Crisis House, our mission is to respond immediately to stop the cycle of domestic violence and homelessness and connect families and individuals to crucial resources that empower them to renew their lives. No one should have to navigate this alone, and no one has to have a plan before they reach out.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, Crisis House is here:
- Learn about our domestic violence programs and housing options
- Reach out to our team or call us at (619) 444-1194
- Read our Get Help FAQ for answers to common questions
- Support this work so we can reach families earlier
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
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