Not Every Form of Abuse Is Visible
How do you recognize abuse when there is nothing to see?
When people picture domestic violence, they picture injuries. That image leaves out a great deal. Many survivors describe years in which they were never hit, and yet had almost no control over where they went, who they spoke to, or how they spent a dollar of their own paycheck.
Two patterns show up again and again in these relationships: financial abuse and coercive control. Both are forms of domestic violence. Both are common. And both are frequently missed, by neighbors, by employers, and sometimes by the person living through them.
What Financial Abuse Looks Like
Financial abuse means one partner controlling the other’s ability to earn, access, or use money. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, it is present in roughly 99 percent of domestic violence cases, and yet about 78 percent of Americans do not recognize it as a form of abuse at all.
It can look like:
- Controlling all household accounts and requiring receipts or permission for every purchase
- Interfering with work, whether that means showing up at a job site, sabotaging childcare, or forcing someone to quit
- Opening credit cards or loans in a partner’s name, or running up debt they did not agree to
- Withholding money for food, medication, gas, or the children’s needs
- Taking a partner’s paycheck, benefits, or public assistance
- Refusing to pay bills that are in the other person’s name, damaging their credit
- Keeping a partner unaware of income, assets, or where the accounts are held
The result is a person with no savings, no credit, no recent work history, and no clear way to sign a lease on their own.
What Coercive Control Looks Like
Coercive control is the broader pattern of behavior used to dominate another person’s daily life. Individually, the pieces can sound minor or even affectionate. Together, they close in.
Common signs include constant calls or texts demanding to know where someone is, tracking a phone or vehicle, deciding what a partner wears or eats, limiting contact with family and friends, controlling medical care or medication, threatening to report someone to immigration or child welfare, harming pets, or making threats about custody. Many survivors say this was the part that made them feel most trapped, and the part that was hardest to explain to anyone else.
Why These Patterns Keep People From Leaving
The National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that three out of four survivors stay with an abusive partner longer than they otherwise would for economic reasons. That statistic is not about willpower. It is about first and last month’s rent, a credit report full of someone else’s debt, a work gap that is difficult to explain, and children who need a bedroom tonight.
This is also why the connection between abuse and homelessness runs so deep, something we wrote about in The Overlooked Link Between Domestic Violence and Homelessness. For many survivors, leaving does not mean choosing safety over danger. It means choosing between danger and having nowhere to go. Our work exists to make sure that is not the choice anyone has to make.
If This Sounds Familiar
There is no single correct order to these steps, and safety comes before every one of them. Leaving is the most dangerous period in an abusive relationship, which is why planning with an advocate matters.
- Talk to an advocate before making changes. A confidential conversation costs nothing and commits you to nothing.
- Gather what you can, quietly. Identification, birth certificates, immigration documents, and account information, stored somewhere outside the home if possible.
- Check your credit report. It is free, and it shows what accounts and debts exist in your name.
- Know your housing rights. California law allows survivors of domestic violence to end a lease early under certain conditions with proper documentation.
- Consider a separate account, only if it can be opened safely and privately.
- Use a device your partner cannot access when searching for help.
If you are worried about someone else, say something specific and without judgment. “I’ve noticed he checks in a lot when we’re out, and I wanted to see how you’re doing” opens a conversation. Believe what you hear, do not push for a decision, and stay available even if nothing changes right away. Being the person who stayed reachable matters more than being the person with the right advice.
Looking Ahead to October
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Over the coming weeks we will be sharing ways for our East County community to take part, from awareness to volunteering to supporting survivors directly. Recognizing these patterns is where it starts. Naming them is what makes them harder to hide.
We’re Here to Help
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, Crisis House is here:
- Reach out to our team or call us at (619) 444-1194.
- Learn about our خدمات العنف المنزلي.
- Read our Get Help FAQ.
- Support survivors with a donation.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
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